by Graeme McFadden for From Bromley with Love
The Score Doesn't Matter
First-time author Graeme McFadden submitted this article to football fanzine From Bromley with Love.
Graeme's story was very heart-warming, but I felt he had buried the lede* and had missed a trick or two. I was keen to help his piece reach its potential, so I edited it to make it read like a feature article.
This meant rearranging Graeme's writing so that the reader was pulled into the heart of his story from the first sentence. The narrative then takes them on a journey that comes full circle in a way that isn't entirely obvious from the the opening.
Let me show you what I did.
* lede is a term used by newspaper and magazine folk. The lede is the thing the an article is really about, and you don't want to bury it in the middle your article, you want to push it to the top so that your reader knows what you're saying from the off.
case study
helping a first-time writer transform their article
feature article edit
original opening
I’ve lived in Bromley for many years now. I first moved here from Scotland in the early 90’s. Or was it late 80’s, I’m not good with dates? I will hold my hands up straight away though, I was only ever really ‘aware’ of Bromley Football Club for the majority of my time living here. It has been only in last 5 or so years that I properly started going, again with the dates, can’t quite remember when. I played at Hayes Lane, on grass, through work a couple of times and over the years since arriving here I attended a few games here and there (am I remembering right you used to be able to take your pint out to watch the game?!) If you could label it an on/off relationship, it was more off than anything. So I’ll admit I haven’t done the hard shift like most of you (I’m a bit of a Johnny Come Lately, arriving towards the end of Neil Smith’s tenure). All that changed though when I began taking my son to the Saturday morning football sessions. I enjoyed going and watching the kids’ sessions, sitting on the terracing, soaking in the Hayes Lane ambience. These visits increasingly sparked something in me, a memory of my formative years as a football fan going to Queen of the South games with my Dad.
buried lede
What's wrong with this? It didn't grip you, did it? I like Graeme's warm, conversational style, but he makes the classic new-writer mistake of introducing himself rather than introducing the theme of the article. That's why you weren't gripped. The crux of Graeme's story is that his life changed when he started taking his son to training sessions at the club, but this is buried eight sentences down. As an editor, I wanted to keep the tone of Graeme's article while also getting to the heart of his lived experience.
Let's see how I got on.
edited opening
Everything changed when I began taking my son to Saturday morning football sessions at Hayes Lane. While the kids ran around on the astroturf, I had little better to do than lounge on the terraces and soak in the stadium’s ambience. Those visits increasingly sparked something in me. I was revisiting memories of going to Queen of the South games with my dad when I was a boy.
Queens, like me, come from Dumfries, a smallish town in the South West of Scotland (and a great wee town it is, too).
What's changed? This opening is a lot punchier than the original, yet it conveys almost exactly the same information. And now that you know what the article is about, you feel ready to read on, especially as some of key details (like why everything changed for Graeme) have been withheld. This will be revealed later in the article.
Now, let's jump to the ending to see how things come full circle.
edited ending
I realise now the gift my dad gave me by taking me to watch Queen of the South. He instilled a sense of hope, not expectation, when going to support my team. That’s something you just wouldn’t get with a massive SPL or EPL club. If the lows return for Bromley, at least we’ll be prepared for them. Besides, some things are more important.
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On Saturday mornings, my son plays in the pan-disability sessions organised by Bromley Football Club. I cannot stress enough how amazing these sessions are for the kids who take part in them. The club also runs 16+ pan-disability sessions for people who have outgrown the junior group. There are players of all abilities and stages of life in attendance, and it is a testament to the club’s fantastic coaches that everybody leaves with a big smile, no matter what. Those coaches are genuine heroes.
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It is these sessions, for me, that sum up Bromley Football Club. They don’t have to run them, but they do, and it’s a shining example of the work they’re doing to place themselves at the heart of the local community.
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The smiles on those faces say it all. The score doesn’t matter.
What's changed? For the most part, Graeme's words remain, I just tidied them up and reintroduced a few details from his original opening. The most important change is the final line. It relates organically to the theme of the article and brings the reader full circle. The article was originally untitled, but as I wrote the final line, I realised the title had just written itself.​
Never in a million years, when we started coming along, did I think Bromley would achieve what they have. It has been absolutely brilliant to be witness to it and long may it continue. But if the lows come back at least we’ll be prepared for it! I remain proud to be a Queen of the South AND Bromley FC supporter. One side note if I may, My Son plays every Saturday in the Pan Disability sessions organised by the club. I cannot stress enough how amazing these sessions are to the kids who take part in them. They also run the PAN sessions for 16+ who have outgrown the junior group. There are people of all abilities and stages of life attending these sessions and it is a testimony to the amazing job of the coaches that each week everybody leaves with a smile on their faces. The coaches are genuine heroes. It is these sessions, for me, that sum up Bromley FC. They don’t have to run them, but that they do is testimony to the work Bromley have done placing themselves at the heart of the local community.
original ending
What's wrong here? Aside from a few text errors, there isn't too much wrong, but it's missing the full-circle resolution that a feature article should have. Earlier in the article, Graeme introduces the idea that, for him, supporting a lower-league club is more about family bonding than the result. The links neatly back to his son's training sessions, where the experience matters more than the scoreline. This prompted a little author-approved rewrite from me.